When you’re in middle school, you’re informed that high school is a “rough place,” but that it’s fun. You start off at the bottom of the food chain again, but by your senior year, you’ll probably have had your first boyfriend, your first kiss, your college picked out, and the assurance of what you’re meant to do with the rest of your life, a.k.a., your major at college.
Absolutely none of those things happened for me.
When you’re in high school, everyone offers words of wisdom about college. It’s going to be the time that you “find yourself.” You’ll make your best friends there. You’ll get educated, prepared to enter the “real world” when you’re finished. Often, for people like me who attend a private Christian college, you’re informed by many who have gone through a similar system that you’re bound to find your other half at college, and most likely will be engaged by the end, ready to be married following graduation.
Absolutely none of those things happened for me.
When you finally graduate college and enter the workforce, most of the advice stops. Or at least so I’ve come to find. Yes, parents and mentors will counsel you about your first job, or instruct you about moving into your first place.
But I’m telling you, even with the advice, nothing really prepares you for your twenties. It’s a time in life that I personally believe is misconstrued more than any other time in life. And perhaps I am biased since I’m living in that time of life. But when you watch movies or go out and see these young, hot, and happy young people treating life like it’s a party every night, or constantly view young people finding love on screen, or succeed at following their dreams, I can’t help but look at all of it and just scoff.
Being in your twenties SUCKS.
It’s probably the most transitional time in life. And yes, I say that being only in my twenties, but really . . . I look at the different times in life. When you’re a middle schooler, a teenager, a college student, your life is more mapped out; more planned. Your twenties is the first time in your life you’re forced to make your own decisions, and they’re such big decisions. They’re all the big Ws — WHAT are you doing with your life? WHERE are you going to live and work? WHO are you going to spend your time with (or in some people’s lives, WHO are you going to marry)?
Hmm, let me reiterate what I was thinking before: being in your twenties sucks. Most people in their twenties have yet to be established in all the major areas of their lives.
I say all of this not to say that any other major time in life doesn’t suck, or that when one leaves their twenties and enters into his thirties, that suddenly his life is well established and he’s finally hit that point of success in the important areas.
To take a personal turn, I will admit that I haven’t “done” life the way my parents or my teachers or even how past me would have imagined. I went to college immediately following high school graduation. I changed my major four times, never really settling on what I wanted to do with my life. I graduated a semester early, went back home and lived with my parents for about a year and half (probably the longest year and half of my life), saved up as much money as I could, and moved in my own place at 23.
Only weeks after I graduated college, I started my first post-college job. I still work there today, 2 1/2 years later.
Since then, I’ve learned some valuable lessons, ones that no college professor, admissions counselor, parent, pastor, or friend warned me about. And maybe some of them could have, but let’s face it, I went in dark. So future college graduates of America (and everyone else) reading this, take note:
- That Boys Like Girls song about how the “first one hurts the most” — they’re absolutely right. Whether you fell for someone in high school or college or whenever, that first break-up will hurt you in ways almost nothing else is capable of emotionally hurting you. The great news is that whether it takes months or years for you to recover, you will. And when you do, you will look back on the situation with much more clarity and gratefulness that you didn’t end up with that SOB.
- Everyone who starts a new job is nervous for the first week, minimum. No one entirely knows what’s going on, and when you don’t know anyone going in, it’s that much more nerve-wracking, especially if you’re the kind of person who desires to be liked by the people around you.
- Great friendships take years to establish. You think this would be a given, and not something to be mentioned for people in their twenties starting off after college, but it really goes along with starting a new job. I never expected to be great friends with people at my work, but it’s incredible what 40 hours +/a week in the same building can do to you and other people. Unsuspectingly, you’ll find you’re friends with people you never imagined saying much more than “hey, can I borrow your stapler?” to.
- Don’t love so hard. Let me explain: Currently, I’m a cynic, so my viewpoint is a bit skewed. But you have to appreciate my self-awareness, right? Well, the more you love and care about other people, the more painful it is when things don’t work out. The higher you climb, the farther you fall. Don’t hand out your love and trust easily; actually, don’t hand it out at all. Make rare exceptions and pray to God that whoever you decide to place your love and trust in will not break your heart.
- On the point of love and friendship, never get too close to people, specifically at work or your apartment. Seriously. If things fall apart, it becomes only awkward walking into your apartment, trying to jam your key into the hole and hide in your apartment from the neighbor you used to be friends with. Same deal at work. My philosophy is that your closest friends ought not to be at your work, church, apartment, or any other major place you spend large quantities of time.
- Living by yourself is incredibly lonely and incredibly worth it. I speak with experience. I did the college thing with roommates, and I worked hard to find a roommate following college so I could save money. Yes, there are major moments when I feel all alone. It can get depressing. But it’s worth it for all those nights when you’re crying your eyes out from a break up, or you want to watch a movie at 3 in the morning, or you want to have an intimate conversation over the phone.
- You will lose money just by buying food. The most expensive food seems to be the individual portions that fit single people like me nicely. However, I tend to save money by buying things in bulk. I also end up throwing a good deal of food away. I’m still seeking to balance this area better, but it’s difficult.
- Paying off your credit card every month is completely worth it no matter what. A lot of the people I work with are in their thirties, and I must say, it seems like each of them have their own story of going into debt in their twenties. They all make more money than I do, but some have side jobs while others continue to bury themselves in more debt. Debt is never pretty, no matter what form it comes in.
- Don’t stop working hard because you’re not in college anymore–if you have a dream, don’t let people convince you it’s out of reach because you’ve graduated and that’s that. I’m still dreaming, I’m still hoping, I’m still praying. Yeah, I’m not where I want to be. I’m still at point A, and point B is really far in the distance, almost completely out of sight. But it’s there. And from what I’ve heard, those who have hope are far more successful than those who do not. That, and a great work ethic. And a refusal to give up.
- You have to break your normal cycle every now and then. As a high schooler and college student, you’re constantly switching gears. New classes each semester, summers off to work low key jobs, and the fall season to welcome new possibilities. Once you start working, whether it’s a 9 to 5 or completely random hours every week, you get into a habitual process that will wear you down and depress you at some point. Randomly take a day off with nothing planned, or treat yourself to a mini road trip just to “get away.” Everyone needs to get away and get lost in thought. I promise you’ll have a lot of days like that.
- Too many girls base their self-worth and dreams on getting married. Don’t be one of those girls. I’ve decided to break that habit. I used to be one of those girls. Now I’m 24 and grateful that I’m not hitched, celebrating my 2 year anniversary this year like many of my high school friends. It’s not that I dislike these people or their choices, or that I think each of the girls care only for marriage. But I think most of them do. And I’m thankful I didn’t meet that special guy at age 17 or 21 like many of them did. There’s more to life than getting married, and from what I’ve seen, after a few years, a lot of these girls realize they wanted more than just marriage, but the means to achieving much within their marriage is significantly reduced. So if you want to travel, get more education, work towards a big career, or just spend time getting to know yourself, making great friends, spending time with your family, and exploring the playground of life, I salute you. Cheers for wanting more than a man. Men are great, and I believe every girl deserves a great one to spend the rest of her life with if she so chooses, but come on, girls–want more out of life than a man! You ought to expect more from life than a guy. You ought to respect yourself a little more than to have such low expectations for your life.
Many of my friends have offered the greatest advice by simply living their lives and making big mistakes I hope to save myself from. I’ve seen divorces and torn marriages, huge debt, money spent and wasted, dreams forgotten and dashed, and depression and confusion set in. Unfortunately, I’ve made my own set of mistakes all by myself too. It happens.
To conclude, being in your twenties sucks. It’s not the crazy, awesome time many people make it out to be or how television makes it look. It’s incredibly difficult. At least I’m warning you :)
Jaina
June 25, 2012
As someone who’s on their way out of their 20s I can totally and utterly agree. Everything I thought I’d be doing in my 20s, when I was in my teens, I haven’t done. It’s not at all how I’d planned or how people told me my 20s would be. 20s are HARD. Especially when you see your friends in your age bracket seemingly doing the sorts of things you wished you were doing.
Your last point … about marriage? Well, I remember when I thought I’d be married, sorted, settled, good job all by the time I was 24. I’m 27 going on 28 and I still have not sorted that one out. Still gets me down. But ho well!
Oh and living by yourself? Been living on my own for longer than I can remember and it is well worth it and good for you. Learning to be able to live by yourself and be ok with that is so incredibly important I think. So VERY important.
Kristin
June 27, 2012
Hey, you still got a couple years, Jaina :) Glad to have another 20-something agree!
YES they are very hard! Yeah, it doesn’t help when a lot of the people around you your age are doing all those things that you wish you could do as well.
Hey, maybe you are THAT much a better person NOW then you were then. You’ve probably learned a ton since. I think relationships that “take place” too quickly, and at too young of an age, aren’t destined to fail, but certainly destined to have bigger and greater problems. And probably are more likely to fall apart if the maturity isn’t there on BOTH ends.
You are so right! Despite the loneliness (which I will say still does suck!), living alone really is good. It reveals a lot about yourself TO yourself. You find out what you’re made of, and like everything, the other side to living alone includes its perks. I think those who master the ability to live by oneself are fit better to live with other people. Great thoughts, Jaina! Thanks for the comment.
Jacob
July 10, 2012
Great post. I definitely have some similar feelings about being 24 right now. I’m also asking all those big questions about what I want to do, where I want to be, and who I want to be around, and this year I’m just going to make decisions about those questions so that at least my life has some sort of definition to it.
I thought that life would be a lot more certain when I finished college too, but it’s certainly wasn’t. I don’t think it’s been much more certain for my college friends that have already married though. They’ve just answered one of those big questions, and now they’re trying to decide on answers to the other questions (albeit together rather than individually).
Kristin
July 11, 2012
Thanks, Jacob! Nice to see you online–it’s been a while! Hope all is going well for you.
It’s definitely not easy making those big decisions, is it? :) There’s definitely a certainty that is lacking at this time in life. I’ve had quite a few friends in their thirties admit that their twenties were a difficult time for them.
I can imagine whether a person is married or single, trying to make the big decisions in the 20s age bracket (and beyond) is still difficult. Because now instead of just deciding for yourself, two people with different ideas have to come together and figure things out. That’s one reason I’m very thankful to still be in this single stage of life right now–having that freedom to make my own decisions without it affecting another person–it’s a gift.
Thanks for the comment! Don’t be a stranger.
Njeri
August 23, 2012
What a timely post for me. I’m 24 as well, with a degree in landscaping but still trying to figure which career path to follow!! I’m passionate about the environment, green energy, rain water harvesting, waste water recycling and that kind of stuff but I’m not sure i can make a living from that. I also can not find a job in those areas because my certificate reads “Landscaping”. I probably need to take a post-graduate diploma or short course in one of those areas to penetrate the market. Problem is….i’m too broke to pay for one or even volunteer for a company in those fields. I have to work to support myself. I got a job this year as a landscaper (first job after college) but it only lasted 3 months and most of us were laid off because the company had to downsize. I had already moved out of my parent’s house to live closer to the job (the job was in another town)…i don’t want to move back home so i found a job as a shop assistant at a phone repair shop. At least it pays my rent. Now I’m basically living from hand to mouth. I found this older woman who deals with natural waste water treatment and offered to do the landscaping for one of her projects. We went to the site once but on that day i really had it from my current boss (at the phone shop) as getting an off-day is really hard. We should go back to the site next month for four days and i don’t know how i will get that off. I think working with this lady on the waste water treatment project could open my eyes or even give me some clarity to what i want to do with my life/my career. I’m really adding nothing to my career at this phone shop. BUT the project will only last a month….and the lady doesn’t need a full time landscaper so she may not pay me as a full time and i may not be able to pay my rent, transport, food etc. And when the project is done I’ll be both broke and jobless. I’m at a cross-road and its all i can think about. My story is actually longer than this…i wish someone could listen to it all and shine some light on my path. I worked hard in college alright and graduated with first class honors but that doesn’t help….landscaping is not a marketable career these sides.
If you read that to the last bit….thanks.
Kriti
June 2, 2013
Firstly, this post has to be the most articulate yet realistic post I have read in a long time… Kudos! You are awesome :)
I’m gonna turn 24 and reading this post from you has made me feel so much better. It is good to know that its not just your life that’s not as planned and proper as you had hoped it to be. It just feels shitty to have to face life’s realities. I am still living with my parents and hope to move out by the end of the year.. 20s definitely SUCK!!!
I have been struggling for a year now without a job and with a lot of disappointment specially from my family. Being quiet good in studies, everyone around me had expected greatness from me but alas! I am just a normal, overweight, jobless, goal-less, unmotivated person going through life, hoping for a divine intervention to help me decide what the hell I really want to do..
But the best part about your post was the last bit where you said marriage isnt so important.. Every girl should dream big and not have marriage as an end goal… So after reading this, I am going to give myself 6 months to make my life better and happier and do something substantial… (even if that means motivating myself to take up volunteer work)
Thanks so much for this post again, always stay happy and blessed :)
Anonymous
December 7, 2013
This is indeed a great post. Totally reflective of what most of the 20 somethings feel at his point in life. You are right when you said it is not like how they show in the movies. I think the only good thing about this time of life is the lessons which you can learn.
Durga
January 3, 2014
I’m 25 and it felt as if all of this could have been written by me. You are absolutely right. It sucks when your Facebook page is filled with your classmates getting engaged/married and you know you made a choice to not do that and yet you feel sad. But then as you said, there is more to live than men. I think it is because we have loads of free time living away from our families to feel lonely :D. However, this phase does teach you highly valuable lessons, the most important of them being how to deal with people. Maybe 20s is a chance to make the stupidest mistakes so that we don’t make them again.
I was having low day but your article cheered me up. Thanks a lot. I totally hear you, girl :)
Mariles MiLes Q
July 16, 2014
thanks this article really helped me feel better today. I am 24 and really confused on what I really wanna do. I thought that after college, life is gonna be an adventure ,like in the movies. But no. still I am glad what I’m going thru now is normal for young adults our age. and it helps to think i’m not the only soul going through it.actually I have an online job right now but I suddenly logged out ,i felt unmotivated. it was a mistake i know but maybe everything will be better in the morning and i can make an excuse to go back to work else i won’t have money to buy food and pay my bills. that’s gonna suck
bloomingbird
May 11, 2015
I love this post, I am about to turn 23 this year. I am graduating a year late, friends that were behind me are ahead of me now. I feel almost empty these days. You are absolutely right about twenties being the harshest time in one’s life. I want to be a nurse, but I just feel bad that it took me so long to realize what I wanted to do. I too changed my major twice, and am finally graduating this week but I have no feeling of accomplishment whatsoever. Seeing my friends being in relationships, and getting closer to their career goals has left me feeling depressed. Not because I am not happy for them but rather because I feel miserable about myself. Yes I will eventually get there, next year will be awful but I am going to stick it out!! I really like the point you made about not getting hitched, I believe I need to discover myself and figure out my life before I make such a life changing commitment.
Anonymous
July 9, 2015
I’m 24 this year and I feel like I absolutely have no idea what I’m doing. I haven’t been able to land a job since I graduated with my Bachelors four years ago or with my Masters almost two years ago. Everyone keeps saying how proud I should be of my achievements but I can’t help but wonder why I haven’t been able to get a job. I still live with my parents and I recently started writing books to sell on Amazon. I feel like I’m following my dream and that maybe I should be proud of that yet for some reason I just don’t feel that way. Everything I would classify as ‘following my dream’ has nothing to do with my career choice and I just don’t know where I would start if I were to pursue my dreams. I know employment isn’t for me but everyone keeps saying it’s good for experience, just as a starting point but I don’t want to start there. At the same time I want the alternative to be working and it’s just not and I have nothing to prove that I’m on the right path. I just feel so lost and the worst part is that I feel I am waiting for something but I don’t even know what I’m waiting for!