Lack of Mustard Seeds

Posted on June 9, 2010


I’m sipping some ice water in the hottest room in the house, nodding a hello to WordPress, the only one who offered a simple “howdy” to me today.

Recently, I’ve been striving for change in my life. Lifestyle changes. I want to eat healthier. I want to be more organized. I want to be on time! Oh, and I want to be less dependent on other people.

See, I’m always deciding how I feel based on how my relationships are going. I rely strongly on my friends, partly because I have a small family, and of those in my family, I don’t see very often. What this reveals about me is that I like to trust other people–and no only do I like to trust them, but I also do trust them. So when plans fall through–I don’t know, say with 4 different people in the same week–my ego’s lying on the floor, beaten and bloody.

But my ego isn’t the only thing taking a fall. So is my faith in people. And from there, I’ve taken too large of a step across a line I never intended to cross. Because I have to ask myself: how can others trust me when I refuse to believe in others?

So I’ve been doing some soul searching, to use a cliché.  Three weeks ago, I met a person who appeared confident and cool and everything that comes with a good-looking shell. But underneath, he was messed up, and in every sort of way. Broken family and broken heart, confused and clueless, and worst of all, searching. Not purposefully, but subconsciously reaching out and asking for someone to take an interest in his life. I’ve now realized that I missed out on a grand opportunity to extend myself and more importantly remind myself that other people, with a little faith in their eyes, might look to me for friendship.

Needless to say, I realized that looking in a mirror is all I need to remember that people aren’t perfect–an even greater reason to have a little faith, because you never know when they’re looking at you.

Posted in: Personal