I Guess This Is Growing Up

Posted on April 28, 2010

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Unfortunately, I’m sitting at home, writing a post I never intended to write.

I’ve always thought of myself as a positive person. While I like to claim that I have this realistic perspective, truly, I prefer to believe in dreams because the grass is clearly greener in them than in real life. I hate feeling let down, especially by myself, but here I am, stuck in a very unhappy position.

It’s okay. I’ve resisted the urge–or maybe consciously decided against going “dear diary” on my blog. So I’m not going to reveal anything inappropriately personal. But as personal–and as blog appropriate as possible–I’m going to explain my current dilemma.

College really was great. I mean, aside from feeling like my life was almost entirely controlled by an institution, the friends I made, the professors I met, and the lessons I learned along the way were worth the few discomforts. I still remember learning an earth-shattering lesson each year. It was like my life was a puzzle. I wasn’t putting the pieces together, but I was finding them, and learning all about the certain edges and curves that defined them. It was revealing and exhilarating to be learning about myself. I was beginning to find out what I was made of; and well, what I certainly wasn’t. To honestly know who you are–to have the clear picture of what you believe in, what you agree with, what you stand for, what motivates you, what makes you tick–that’s progress. The beautiful, satisfying feeling of progress.

Since seeing the movie (and later the musical) of Hairspray, one line always stuck out to me: “To sit still would be a sin.” This line, in essence, defines one large puzzle piece in my life. I’m most satisfied when I’m out accomplishing something–doing something, whatever THAT is, that I’m supposed to be doing.

Now I’m sitting here, at home. Very still. I’m committing that sin that goes against everything I feel. I’m not speaking literally here. I thought that after college, I would finally have the time to be doing all those things I had always wanted to do: get in shape, make some new friends (well, I always enjoying doing that), clean up the literal messes in my house, take some music lessons, get dance lessons, buy a camera and learn photography, and so many more things. And it seems that although I haven’t accomplished one of those goals, I have discovered a sharp piece of my puzzle:  a lack of self-motivation. It’s disheartening to see this piece so visibly for myself and not even have the motivation to change it.

I’ve hit this backward spiral in my life. Things aren’t working out the way I hoped they were. A friend who was supposed to room with me backed out when she started dating. That whole working out idea has been more on and off than the lights in our house. More friends are moving away, getting married, and making summer plans away from my hometown than ever before. I’m sitting face to face with change that everyone around me is making, and I’m sitting still, wondering when the puzzle pieces of my life are going to start fitting together. All around, I feel stuck, wishing that some mystical sense of motivation would urge me forward, and suddenly I’d be making all kinds of good decisions left and right until I was exactly where I want to be. But there’s no such thing.

There’s another line that has always stuck with me, but this one is from the movie “Never Been Kissed”:  “Someone once told me if I wanted to write well, I had to write what I know.” Now that’s being honest. No facades, no pretend “I’m fine” lines, but just raw material, stripped of pride and presented to the world in a blog, where all of two sets of eyes will pass by, not giving it a second thought.

This is how I know to be honest and get out how I feel–by writing. It’s something I discovered that I’m decent at. So for your four eyes, and you know that’s hardly a joke in this context, here I am. In the words of Blink 182, “I guess this is growing up.”

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Posted in: Personal